i am nothing

I'm 19.
I'm fat.

My Stats:

SW(03/13/11): 158lbs
HW: 158lbs
UGW: 109lbs

1GW: 150lbs *
2GW: 145lbs
3GW: 140lbs
4GW: 135lbs
5GW: 130lbs

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I’m back on track. :)

I did the unthinkable and I weighed in this morning. CW: 152.4 lbs. I’m really shocked. I mean eating poorly without going to the gym for two weeks straight I’ve only gained 2lbs. But either way, I’m back on track. I’ve been drinking this “lean green” drink. It tastes horrible and smells disgusting but I know it’s what I got to do. I think all week I’m going to drink that as my food for the day. What do you think?

Anyways, I’m going to the gym today later. THANK GOD. I’m so happy. :)

I was in the hospital…

…..I’m finally back from the hospital since my last post. My period turned out to be a bigger problem than it was supposed to be. I was bleeding too much and I passed out. I’ve been on watch in the hospital. And I’m finally back home. I’m starting to feel a little better. NO I HAVEN’T BEEN EATING GOOD. & OBVIOUSLY HAVEN’T BEEN TO THE GYM. So my gw for my birthday has now been disowned. Fucking sucks. Please help support me. :(

Tomorrow I’m on my shake diet. And I’m just going to try to lose as much weight as possible. Maybe a fast until next Sunday? Any thoughts. Please help me. <333

So, I’m back to my senses….

I may over exaggerated when I said my boyfriend called me fat. He just told me that I looked a little bit more bloated than normal. & I took it offensively. I’m on my period now. So that explains why I was such a hormonal mess and craving tons of crazy carb-filled foods. But today is Monday, and a fresh start for me.

Today’s intake so far:
     breakfast; diet green tea (0cal)

I have 13 days to lose just as much weight as possible now. I refuse to weigh in, I’m on my period and I’m huge. I can feel the bloating-ness. This time it’s really bad. I’m having horrible cramps. I just want to bundle up and sleep. Eek.


 Going to the gym later, no matter what. I’m just doing cardio today. No weight lifting for me. I want to burn as much as possible. I’m hoping 500-600 cal. PLEASE.

I’m ready to starve myself to death.

Long story short, my boyfriend called me fat last night. So I’m starving myself forever. I’ve had no appetite since then. I’m over food and this stupid body. I’m going to start smoking cigarettes again and workout until I pass out. I want to die skinny. I can promise you I will starve myself until I’m in the hospital again. I’m tired of the healthy way. I rather just starve. I’m starving myself. OKAY. That’s the end of my story. I hate my life.

I am the FATTEST failure.

So I fucked up again yesterday too. This is absolutlely ridiculous. I think it’s because we don’t have much groceries at home. So we just eat out. Which isn’t good. We’re going grocery shopping tomorrow. I’m stocking up on ingredients for my shakes. I know these shakes I’ve been drinking were really helping me lose the weight. I HAVE 16 DAYS TO LOSE 8-10LBS. I need to quit messing around and get back on track.

I’m starting my ABC diet yet again, tomorrow. Wish me luck. :(

Day 001 AGAIN. :[


Okay, yesterday did not work out as planned. My boyfriend fed me. That’s the end of the story. Today, I’m back on track and I told him today I’m getting back on my diet. So no more messing around. I’m doing the “ABC Diet”. So today intake allowed is, 500cal.

          breakfast: trail mix granola bar (140cal)
                         green tea (0cal)


Today will be my first day back at work since last Friday. So I’ll burn calories at work too. :) Updating later. <333

a--lexa said: do you know how many calories a jumping jack/star jump loses? - your doing really well i love your blogXX

Hi love, I answered in your ask. :)

Day 001 (Started over)


I haven’t been on as much, I know. I’m being a horrible blogger. I’ve just been very, very sick this whole week. I’ve been throwing up tons and drinking lots of Sprite, and medications, and eating tons of toast and saltines. So I’ve failed miserably for the past few days. But I can’t help being sick. I went to the gym yesterday finally though and burnt 400 cal on the elipitical. I felt okay, still weak. But once I got home, it all came back. I got worse. So I’m just as sick as earlier this week. But I hate not working out. 


So today, I’m going to just do a light liquid diet. Which would be good for me. & Quit drinking the Sprite and eating toast. I need to train my body to just get better without  that stuff. I’m going to rest all day and hopefully feel better to go to the gym later. I need to workout. I have not weighed myself since 03/30/2011 and I can tell you I have probably gained weight. So my mission is to not weigh in at all until my birthday. That’s the plan. I’ll weigh in my birthday right when I wake up. I want to weigh in at 142-140lbs. That’s 8-10lbs to lose in 18 days. It’s so possible. Once I can get back on track today every day after today will just keep getting easier and easier.


I can’t wait to feel better. I can’t wait to lose weight. I need my perfect body. I do. I deserve it. I will starve for perfection. I will. Since I’m staying home again I’m going to do a workout to later. Maybe two? Depends how I feel. I want to be able to go to the gym. So I need to keep drinking tons of water. & I’m starting the “ABC Diet” today. Wish me luck. <3333


UPDATE…… So I failed this afternoon. My boyfriend thought it’d be best I eat something and fill my stomach since I’ve been sick. So I ate out today. :( I guess it’ll be day 001 of my Abc diet tomorrow. I workout with my trainer later. At least I’ll burn some fat. I am running out of time to lose weight for my birthday. :( What is wrong with me?! :(
Starting Over!

This whole past weekend I went on a binge fest. Please down make me feel any worse than what I already feel. To make situations worse, I got food poisioning from last night when I ate sushi. I guess that’s what I get, huh? Either, I’m extremely upset and disappointed with myself. Why did I do this to myself? I honestly do not know. I just think it’s because I was finally starting to feel skinny and thought it’d be okay. I thought very wrong. I know this already. So today’s Monday, and I’m starting fresh. My days will start over. So today is day 001. I know I can get back on track. AS PUNISHMENT….. I’m fasting for 48 hours. Starting from midnight last night. So I’m doing well so far. 


I’ve come to notice that eating just a little throughout the day and working out as much as I can at the gym is not helping me lose weight. I mean I look tighter and what not, but the numbers on the scale don’t seem to drop as much. And I rather have the numbers be low on the scale than look tighter. I want to know I am light as a feather.

My birthday is only 20 days away. I’m trying to make a reasonable GW now, seeing that I fucked up all weekend. Let’s say, I would like to weigh 142-140lbs by my birthday. PLEASE.!


…..So I promised you all a picture of me. Well this is from 03/30/11. So I’m ashamed and embarssed, but I know posting this picture will give me the motivation to just keep starving and be skinny.


   This is me. At 152lbs. I’ll post another picture of me either this weekend or next weekend. & Remember, I said my GW for my birthday (20 days from today) is 142-140lbs. So that’d be 8-10lbs lighter than this fat body. Please help keep me motivated. :(

Day021 & Day 022.

How do I say this? ….. I’ve fucked up both yesterday and today. I don’t even want to talk about it. I’m a fucking failure. & My starvation countdown will start over tomorrow. I am a failure. A FAT FAILURE.