i am nothing


I'm 19.
I'm fat.
I NEED TO BE SKINNY.


My Stats:

SW(03/13/11): 158lbs
HW: 158lbs
LW:110lbs
UGW: 109lbs



1GW: 150lbs *
2GW: 145lbs
3GW: 140lbs
4GW: 135lbs
5GW: 130lbs

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Anonymous said: i bingeeeeeed.
meh:/

It’s okay love, we all have our days. Just try and workout as much as you can to burn off those calories. And tha should be a bigger motivation for you to not binge tomorrow. :)

Day 019.& Day 020.

 
I haven’t been on in the past two days I believe. So I’m just going to link Wednesday and Thursday status onto one pos. Surprisingly both days I did really well. And was in the negative calorie intake by the end of the day.

   

Wednesday’s intake: breakfast, banana-apple smoothie (127cal), lunch, banana-apple smoothie (127cal), snack, cheese (60cal), dinner, nothing.
                 TOTAL WEDNESDAY’S INTAKE: 314 CAL.

Wednesday’s outtake: elipitical, -310 calories, arm workout, -150 calories.
             TOTAL WEDNESDAY’S OUTTAKE: -460 CAL.

                          So Wednesday’s total intake: -146 CAL. :)


    

& Thursday’s intake: breakfast, apple-banana smoothie(127cal) lunch, apple-banana smoothie(127cal) snack, breadstick (70cal) dinner, sip of banana-apple smoothie(10cal)
       TOTAL THURSDAY’S INTAKE: 334 CAL

Thursday’s outtake: elipitical, -410cal & running, -30cal
           TOTAL THURSDAY’S OUTTAKE: -440 CAL

                 
So Thursday’s intake was: -106 CAL. :)

       

Day 018.

   

So I did an okay job yesterday. My intake was a little different than planned, …..
               Yesterday’s intake was: yogurt and cheese (200cal) for breakfast.
& coleslaw with dressing (90cal) for lunch, I had some pudding (70cal) , instead of birthday cake and icecream. & for dinner I ate cheese (60 cal).

My outtake was : -540 CAL on the elipitical.
TOTAL INTAKE FOR THE DAY WAS: -80 CAL.

    

Truth is, I feel fat as fuck today. I don’t know why, I woke up this morning and I feel huge. Even though I worked my ass off last night at the gym and made sure I was negative calories in my body. Either way, I’m getting tired of doing this the healthy way. I want faster results. My birthday is coming up, and I really don’t want to be fucking huge on my birthday. I’ll be pissed off! My birthday is only 25 days away.

I’m expecting to way at least 140-135lbs by my birthday. That gives me 25 days to lose about 20lbs. Is it possible? YES. Will I actually reach that goal, I SURE AS HELL HOPE SO. It’s my fucking birthday, I want to feel beautiful and happy. That’s not my ultimate goal but it’d be a great boost. I need to be fucking skinny and I need to force myself to work out more than just at the gym.

    

My intake so far for the day has been: apple-banana smoothie (127cal)
I plan on drinking the other half of that for lunch today. I want to stick under 400 cal today. And I want to burn between 400-500 cal again today. & I will workout before the gym. I need to do this. I need to get skinny already. I’m tired of my body.

    

I will be updating later. I really need someone to boost me up. I feel like crap, even though I’m practically starving myself and over exercising. I feel fatter than ever.

Day 017.

   

I would be the happiest girl in the world if I could look half as skinny as these girls do in shorts. I have gigantic thighs. I’m so gross. That’s my one trouble spot on my body. I mean, I’ve toned up my arms a lot and my stomach is getting pretty flat. But my thighs just never seem to go away. :(

    

Well I just got off of work. So I’m doing good so far today. I ate an okay size breakfast. I was planning on just making a smoothie for breakfast. But I forgot to freeze my bananas last night. :( , Anyways, today is my little sister’s birthday. So there will be icecream and cake and soda and food…lots and lots of food. :( I’m not looking forward to this. But I already bought some lettuce and dressing for dinner so I don’t have to eat that stuff. And I brought plenty of green tea. :) So I thought ahead! I’ll probably bring a piece of cake with me or something. Regardless, I can’t eat that stuff today. I can NOT afford those calories. I’m hoping to make it to 150 this weekend. I don’t know if it’ll happen I feel like I’m huge. I haven’t weighed in for sooooo long. It’s so tempting!

    

….She’s so pretty and tiny. I’m so jealous. :( I need to be this tiny. I really, really need to be this skinny. I’m going to do whatever it takes. I can’t handle being a fucking fat ass. & I’ve decided to post a picture of my body this upcoming Friday. Every Friday I’ll post one up. I am so embarssed but I know I need too. It’ll help keep focus on my body progress.

    

….Going to the gym later. Goal for the day is to burn at least 500 CAL on the elipitical. I need to make this happen. & I’ll probably…REALLY NEED TO MAKE MYSELF do like 300 crunchies before sleep. & Drink tons of water for the rest of the day.

         

TODAY’S INTAKE (SO FAR):
    -breakfast, yogurt (100cal) & cheese stick (100cal)
    -snack, green tea, and water (0cal)
    -lunch, strawberry slices (35cal)
    -dinner(will be eating) salad with croutons and dressing (105cal)

TOTAL INTAKE (FOR REST OF DAY): 340 CAL.

Outtake plan, is to burn at least 500 cal on elipitical.

    

I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. I WILL BE SKINNY. I WILL BE. I PROMISE.

Day 016.

    

I had an okay day today. I tried to stick to my liquid diet. But, I felt like it was going to be more calorie consuming. So I decided to eat very wisely and minimally. So here’s my intake for the day so far,

                INTAKE SO FAR:
                  -breakfast, diet green tea (0cal)
                  -lunch, side salad with no dressing (30cal)
                   & venti passion unsweetened tea
                  -snack, whole grain crackers with hummus (175cal)
                TOTAL INTAKE (SOFAR): 205 CAL

      

My plan for later is to eat a salad with cheese maybe for dinner? Depends on how much I burn at the gym later. I do plan burning at least 300 or 400 cal on the eliliptical.  I’m just drinking my tea right now trying to stay focused. I’ll probably do the “100 Workout”. Keep myself actice and stay motivated to getting skinny. I need to lose weight…. &fast.!

           


………..UPDATE FROM LAST NIGHT. (3/28/11)

I ended up going to the gym rather later. I managed to just do cardio last night. So I did -400 call on the elipitical. But then I started getting the munchies again before the gym so I ate more of my multi-grain crackers with some honey mustard (145cal). I didnt eat anything for dinner. So I had a pretty good day. I managed to eat something healthy when I felt a binge come on instead of eating something bad.

My intake intake for the day is:
         350CAL

&My total outtake for the day is:
        -400CAL

So, I ended up with -50CAL in my body yesterday. :) What a great Monday!

      

iwontstopuntilimskinny said: Alright Nicole listen listen up! You're not a fuckup....but whenever you want to eat something bad remind yourself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. That's what I say to myself! And really try when you eat out to eat salads without dressing or some no fat things. Once you reach your goal weight you can eat what you want more often as long as you exercise but you need to stay focused so you can get to that point! :)

You’re so right. Thank you so much! You don’t even know how much you’ve helped me with just this. I just need to eat like I would eat at home, and that’s always just a house salad with light-fatfree dressing. I should be like that all the time. & If I know we’re going out to eat then I shouldn’t eat all day so it doesn’t look as much. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP! <33

Day 015.


I AM OFFICIALLY A FUCK UP. I AM A FAT PIG WHO DESERVES NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE KILLED. I AM SO FUCKING HELPLESS. I FUCKED UP SO MUCH THIS WEEKEND. I JUST NEED TO FUCKING DIE. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF, MY LIFE, MY BODY, EVERYTHING ABOUT ME I HATE!!!!



       

….How am I ever going to get a body like hers when I eat so much and just act like I’m skinny and am allowed to eat food. I’m never going to get where I want in life if I keep eating so much. WEEKENDS are the worst time of the week for me. I hate the weekends.

  Yesterday the finished the day off by going out to eat again with my boyfriend (so out to eat twice yesterday) and had a caesar salad with grilled shrimp (500cal) FML. I eat way too much, OMG. I hate myself. But it gets worse, then I ate more chips and salsa (200cal), and I drank this mango-lemonade protein drink (240cal). That’s a loooooooooooooooooooot of calories for me in one day! I hate myself. DAMN IT! & Then this morning, my boyfriend wakes me up with a sweet, red velvet cupcake. & Sure enough, I ate it with him. NO IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES IS IN THAT! :( I hate my life!


   

I want to walk in the beach with confidence like this girl. I want to feel and look beautiful. & The only way I will ever be beautiful is if I lose weight. I’m changing my diet strategy for this week and no weighing in until Friday. I will extremely tempted too throughout the week. But I refuse to weigh-in until it’s Friday. I am DETERMINED to weigh in at 146-145 lbs this Friday. I need to work extra hard at this. I will get the body I want sure enough, but I need to do it step by step!


    

It’s almost summertime and I need to weigh at least 130 by my birthday. My birthday is less than a month away! I need to stay focused and force myself to have better control. Working out twice-to-three times a day is a must! Going to the gym every single day is a necessity. & Being on a strict diet is key! Cardio comes before weight lifting workouts. Burning at least 400 cal daily from cardio is a must have! Saying no to appetizers and sweet treats from your boyfriend is a need too. I will get skinny, and I will work hard for this. I WILL!!!

               

…..If she can do it. I can do it too!!! I will prove everyone wrong. I’m tired of being told I have the best boobs, and such a perfectly round butt and I’m blessed to have Kim Khardashiaoon curves. & Wow, you’re so naturally tan and beautiful. I don’t want any of that! I would trade all that in for someone saying, “OMG, You look soooo skinny. Too skinny.” I want that compliment. PLEASE GOD! LET ME BE THAT BEAUTIFUL!

    

I may have fucked up this weekend. But I can guarantee you. It will not happen again! I can promise you this! I need to get my head back like I start two weeks ago. & Stay strong, and workout as much as possible and live off of green tea. SKINNY BODY….HERE I COME!

    

……Okay quick update. I’m on my phone writing this right now. But I couldn’t get this off my mind. I fucked up. :( I ate unhealthy today. I ate a whole grain bagel with one egg and soy milk for dinner. And munched on chips and salsa earlier. I think im going to stay on a liquid diet for the next three days. I deserve to suffer. Please help me stay strong. Ill be on tomorrow.
Anonymous said: post a picture of your whole body, i want to see what you look like.

I plan on it once I get the chance too. Either tomorrow or tonight I will.

Day 014.

      

So today I was planning on just fasting because I fucked up so much last night by eating chips and salsa at dinner with my boyfriend for an appetizer, and not even working out.  But it gets even worse today…

….. So, this morning I managed to not eat anything for breakfast. Then lunch, I ate. :( FUCK MY LIFE. I went out to lunch with my sister.

              My intake so far:
                -breakfast, nothing. (0cal)
                -lunch, venti passion unsweetened tea. (0cal)
                 & house salad with italian dressing and shrimp. (178cal)
                -dinner, probably nothing.

                 
TOTAL INTAKE SO FAR: 178 CAL

        

Fuck my life. I hate myself. I think I’ll post a picture of myself either tonight or tomorrow afternoon. I need to take a picture. So I can keep my progress updated. I haven’t weighed myself at all since my period. & I don’t plan on weighing myself until this upcoming Friday. My boyfriend did tell me we’re going to the gym today, so I’ll just do cardio. I seriously plan on doing the elipitical until I can no longer move. I want to burn at least 400-500 cal. I need too. & From now on, I just plan on eating really lightly and minimally. I am so upset with myself. 

     

How am I ever going to be the way I want to look if I keep fucking up like this. I’m seriously only hurting myself. I need to be harder on myself, and force myself to just workout as hard and as much as I can and eat a little as possible. I need to really do my research as well on restaraunts, so the next time we go out I know what to order and what not to eat. I know everyone makes mistakes, but everytime I make a mistake, it just makes it that much harder for me to finally be happy with myself. I just want to be happy. That’s all I want. Why can’t I have the perfect body?! Why can’t I?!

      

I went shopping today. & Bought myself a Nine West purse. I almost bought some new clothes, but I didn’t because I figured I don’t deserve them. I don’t plan on buying anything else for myself until I reach my next goal weight, 145lbs. I think fasting for like 4 days is a need too. SOON!

       

Day 013.

    

I didn’t workout last night. Well, technically I did. I had sex with my boyfriend. So trust me, that burns calories. So it’s my workout for the night. Today, I’m more than positive my boyfriend will be taking me out to dinner so I’ve been trying to eat as minimal as possible all day. I want to be able to enjoy a nice big salad, or maybe even treat myself to a grilled fish. I’ll decide after I workout later on today I suppose. I’m heading out to the gym in a few hours with my boyfriend. So I’ll probably just do cardio, on the elipitical. Try and burn as much as possible.

     

                     Intake so far:
                       -breakfast, mozarelle cheese stick(60cal),
                        & dannon vanilla yogurt shake (70cal)
                      -lunch, multi gran crackers with one tbsp of honey dijon (140cal)
                       & a venti passion unsweetened tea (0cal)
                      -snack, diet green tea (0cal)

      

I’ll probably end up updating today tomorrow when I get back on. It’ll be pretty tough getting back on the computer once my boyfriend’s home. Either way, I know I’m doing good & I plan on just getting harder and harder on myself every day. I need to stay determined. I can do this.

        


……………..QUICK UPDATE.
My boyfriend’s taking a nap. But I figured since we were going to the gym I could snack a little more. I started to get all these crazy cravings for sweets. So I started smelling the chocolate in the house and wanting to just stuff my face with it. :( I’m such a fucking fattie. My point is, I took ONE bite of this amazing key lime pie, and immediately spit it out because I was already feeling guilty. I knew I was going to fuck everything up I’ve been working so hard for. So instead, I went ahead and munched on:
                                     
                                           - whole wheat nutri gran bar (120cal)
                                                      - 5 croutons (30cal)
                                                   
I feel like a huge fuck up now. & To make the whole situation worse. My boyfriend decided we should just go to the gym tomorrow. :( So now I feel huge. & We’re going out to eat later tonight. :( Why must I fuck up so much. DAMNIT.

     


………….I’m shocked I’m able to update so much today. But I just came back from dinner. I don’t feel too good about what I ate. Here it goes:
                         
                         Dinner date:
                             -about 15 chips w/salsa (200cal)
                                    -grilled shrimp quesadilla explosion salad (400cal)
                                    -water (0cal)
                                    -3 diet pills (0cal)
Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck my life! I fucked up sooooo much. It wouldn’t be so bad if we had went to the gym today. But we didn’t. We’re heading to the movies in a few minutes. NO FOOD FOR ME.